Children are not afraid of birth
There was a recent New York Times article reporting that a large percentage of American women are afraid of giving birth. I assume this is a learned response, not an innate one, because over and over again, as a homebirth midwife, I witness how children are generally not afraid of birth.
In prenatal appointments, I always talk through different birth scenarios with my clients so they can feel prepared. We make sure there will be a person to take care of the kids if labor starts in the day. Some women decide to have grandma or a good friend whisk away the children to their own homes for the day, evening, or overnight. Other moms want their children around to witness or be present for the birth, so the grandmas just come over and help out when the kids need them. They play, eat, watch TV, go outside. Usually, labor takes a little time. Of course, some families do not have the luxury of a person to be on call to take care of their children, so our midwife team does our best to support mom and the kids at the same time.
In general, kids are not afraid or nervous, especially when their parents have prepared them in some way. Many of my clients watch birth youtube videos with their children to help normalize the sounds and behaviors of a laboring person so that the children will consider this activity as positive. There are also wonderful children’s books that help kids to understand what might happen while a baby is being born. Interestingly, labor is often more boring for them than it is scary. After hours of watching their mom walk around the house, do the stairs and squats, and take hot showers, they say, “When is our baby going to come, mom?”
It is true that, more often than not, women go into labor in the night, when their other children are sleeping and they can really relax and labor without distraction. But, sometimes, it doesn’t happen that way. I recently had a client whose water broke at 11 am. She took very seriously my advice to “ignore the labor until you can’t anymore.” She, an Agawam flower farmer, went out to her hoop houses in her backyard and organized dahlia tubers with her two daughters, 4 and 2 years old. She then jumped into her pick-up truck to travel to a local greenhouse where she needed to pick up a few things. Somewhere in all that, contractions started and she realized it might be best to head home. On the bumpy ride back, she winced with the cramps. Her daughters greeted her at the door and her husband smiled, knowing how stoic she can be when she’s uncomfortable. It was around 6 pm. Luckily, at this point, she called the midwife and I went right over. Her children stayed around her, chatting as she clearly moved into active labor.
This mother that I describe wanted to build a life that included her children. They hoe beds with her, seed trays of plants with her, cut flowers with her, and arrange these colorful blooms into astoundingly beautiful bouquets. This mother likely will homeschool her children so they can be independent and stay curious and learn all the skills of the land – of running their own business – of doing the daily work of the home. And so why would the birth of their little brother be any different? A birth can be as great a homeschooling lesson as any other. So, let’s get on with it.
Little Mary, four years old, crouched right near me, the midwife, as her little brother’s head started to emerge. She and I cocked our heads to the side to make sure the position was good, that there was no nuchal cord, that there was proper rotation of the head. “Mary,” I whispered, “your mom is doing great.” But Mary didn’t need reassurance. She wasn’t afraid. She was as practical as a farmer would be. Without hesitation, she handed me a towel as I reached to catch her brother.