Coping with a Pregnancy Loss

Earlier this week, my client had a second trimester miscarriage. I witnessed she and her husband respond with disbelief and then grief and then with the practical minds of parents with three other little children who needed meals and diaper changing. On Saturday, in their church, with their immediate families and me (their midwife) present, they honored the life and passing of their son.

Miscarriage happens in approximately one of every four pregnancies. It is the spontaneous demise of an embryo or fetus developing in the uterus and is most commonly a result of a genetic abnormality (over 50% of the cases) that makes the fetus incompatible with life. Miscarriage can also be the result of great distress to the parent (malnutrition for example) or infection or unhealthy habits (smoking or drug use). Often, though, miscarriages cannot be explained completely and happen to women who are completely healthy.

Miscarriages occur before the 20th week of pregnancy (after that point a loss is considered a stillbirth). They generally commence without warning and may transpire even before a person confirms or knows about their pregnancy. Like labor, it is a process: usually beginning with light cramping and vaginal bleeding and then progressing to stronger contractions to facilitate the passing of the fetus.  In a second trimester loss, the incident often is more intense, both physically and emotionally, as the fetus is fully formed (although still small), and the family likely has known about the pregnancy for a while.

There is no way to predict how one reacts to a miscarriage.  It can depend on many factors: who you are as a person, the length of your pregnancy, your emotional investment in the pregnancy, the stressors of your life, the support systems that you have, and other influences. The most important thing to know is: however you are feeling, whatever reaction is emerging, it is normal.  You are not alone.

Empty Arms Bereavement Support is a local organization run by individuals who have experienced pregnancy loss and who support others as they navigate the experience.  They offer companionship, a listening ear, and their own stories if that is helpful. They are experts in this field – understanding what words to use and what words not to use with a grieving family, knowing how to create beautiful mementos of a baby’s life to carry forth into the future, being able to connect individuals with support groups that fit their particular needs, and having materials to pass on to assist in the process.

My clients and friends who have miscarried have often said to me, “It’s hard to talk about it.” If you have miscarried or you know someone who has, and you feel alone in the process, please do not hesitate to call upon others. You can contact me or Empty Arms Bereavement Group (www.emptyarmsbereavement.com) or your friends and family and clearly say that you need support in this moment of time.